Merry Christmas

Christmas has come and past so fast that I did not even have time yet to really have it sink in. Right after I finished the flue that had bin looming around the corner jumped me and took me in a serious grip. Putting everything at a hold, I know my birthday has bin just because the text messages on my phone. Including one from my ex whom I have not spoken to in nearly a year, minus that small intermission in may when we were at the same convention. Odly you'd think me not responding to a single text since might have bin a clue to my interest in his being now would it? Oh well, enough other people did sent me messages that did light my day.

Poorly the flue also made me run behind nearly every plan that was in process. I did not even start with the Christmas decorations till the 21th and my card was sent by email this year because my pen hand was not to be trusted. Believe me, I had found myself so worn down by the flue that I wasn't even able to put my signature on my checks let stand write readable text on cards that are sent out. I did not entrust that job onto myself.

With all those starter trouble one would suspect that Christmas would be troubled as well but no, for once It went by without as much as a bad worth spoken. There wasn't even a short verbal encounter about the dishes, the food or the way the presents were going to be done. Neither on first Christmas day or on the second when we went out to dinner with my sister and her beau. Well they had a small altercation but for once we were not asked to take sides. guess me with the flue is a little more like able person than on any other given day.

Made it

stamp by; art-junki3.deviantart.com

Unbelievable but true, I've past the 50000 word count bar with even a day to spare so for the last day of nanowrimo I had my winner bar nicely shining under my name. Propelling me in the world of authors, as one of the prizes is having the possibility of selling your book through amazon.

Not that my story is even in the near facility of being able to be published yet. For starters I am yet to finish the final chapter and the first few chapters are a dumb mess. All in all I need a lot of pruning before this can be released on the masses, so thank god for deviantart where the rain of terror will be unleashed and poor passerby's will be forced into submission to give me feedback other than this word is supposed t

o be spelled differently.

That's not feedback that's pointing out my dyslexia.

So all be where for I promise...

lost and gone my poor sanity.

This is so me I can't even believe how utterly depressant my mind has to have gotten over the past few years. A little over a day ago I read about a competition that has as only requirement that you have to write a novel consistent of a minimal of 50000 words within the month November. Yep one novel in one month, I did not just look at it and thought 'wow great for the people who succeed'. No.... I actually registered myself halfway down the month which means I only have 15 days left to finish, even I believe that my mind has now honestly left me alone to fend for myself. For anyone who doesn't have a quick calculator in your head that is approximately 3350 words a day. Plus it has to be from scratch, so I need to pick an idea and start working with that. I am going to die.

morning rituals, creativity revived.

Waking up, going downstairs, making a cup of tea, reading the newspaper, checking my telephone and if I remembered to turn it of I'll turn it on, finishing my cup of tea, going upstairs getting dressed, going downstairs again to turn on the laptop just to check Deviantart to see if I got any messages.

I know some people check there e-mail in the morning I check if any of the 50 people I'm watching has posted anything interesting. It's becoming a little bit of an obsession oran addiction, whichever way I don't really mind. It even helps me with my creativity, sometimes I see something and little bits of the story's that have bin stalled in my mind click in place.

I found a dress-up game which shows the style of dressing I imagine the wear in Tandaly, I found that country over 7 years ago and finally I can see it.

Games" href="http://gasara.deviantart.com/art/Modern-Mucha-Dress-Up-174384623?q=gallery%3AGasara%2F24893020&qo=1"> Modern Mucha Dress-Up

Couldn't resist myself to make several dolls, to help me with the visualization of my girls.

Can't wait too see where my lovely girls are gonna end up. :)

Spreading myself thin

I can't believe how time has flied by, one moment it's still summer the other moment it's the middle of autumn. My brothers birthday is comming up, my good friend got the key's to her house and is in the middle of putting everything in it's place and I'm trying to keep up with everybody only to find out I haven't even scratched the surface. There are friends I have I haven't talked to in nearly a year. People I still have to sent photo's that where taken in spring time and above all I'm trying to ignore that little voice inside my head that's saying I need to get out.

Deviantart

I love my Deviantart account,
For the past 3 weeks I have bin going crazy contributing, creating, commenting and collecting. If I go on the way I'm going now, I'll have more deviations by the vend of next week than my Best friend has made in 4 years.

Going up a mountain and down a waterfall.

Sunday 29 th came and my friend an I woke up early to prepare for the first organised group trip that week. It was going to be a medium hike, which I figured I should easily be able to handle even with my passing cold. There was even the promise of an cold pond with an actual waterfall so I packed my swim gear, unlike my friend who decided to put it on in the hotel room. If there is anything I hate it's walking lenght of time in something like swimwear under my shorts. After arriving at the mountain I seriously had to reconsider, but non the less the thought of a cold pond pulled me over the line to start. And regret soon followed, god did my lungs burn. It was as if I'd gotten the preposterous idea of walking up a 5km wall, the inclining of the path was somewhere between 50-90 degrees (and no I was not hallucinating). I'm one of those people who are physically not made to climb up mountains, the parts that where downhill went perfect, I got extremely agitated about being so short of breath and instead of respecting my private space my friend felled inclined to stay by my side. This just made it harder for me to go through the motions, I love to curse when I'm the only one to hear it, I had the feeling that my friend was holding me down in attempting to help me.
When we reached the halfway part of the climb I was the last one of our group to arrive and all I could think about was that I needed some air. Before I'd fully recovered we were on our way again. If I had not had the deep desire to see the abandoned town of Sanguine I would have gone back down to the bus, like this other guy from our group. I kept trying to explain to my friend that I wanted to go trough this on my own, but it was like talking to a blind wall. How do you explain to somebody who think they are doing the right thing that it is completely wrong?? Because of this I could not stop and look around from time to time getting myself back together. Than nearing the town, I could hear the rest, My lungs gave me the warning that if I went any four feet further they would stop working. I decided to take the risk and walked eight, my lungs froze, my heartbeat went up to nearly 120 beats per minute and all I saw where flashes of light but I had made it to the town edge.
In Sanguine we were told about the reason behind it's unusual outlook. Some 'houses' were no more than a couple of rocks left slightly in place as where others were complete houses that looked like the inhabitants had just left to make a small errand. I could go around and take pictures, after I had reclaimed my backpack from my friend, taking in the full breath of atmosphere of the town. It left me with several ideas for story's and drawings, that I still have to find time for to make. After we passed trough the town there was a short part of the road that went downwards, I was the fastest one of all. I am build for going down, I felt fantastic. Our guide and several in our group thought that I had finally bin in a better spill of a mood, but then there was an incline and my lungs complaint immediately. Sounds like the story of my life, I always have the most fun going down.
I'm not certain exactly how long it took us but after a short while after the last waiting spot I could start hearing the waterfall what made me just the more ardent to get there. Finally there was the last part between us and there, my skin started to tingle just by the thought of being able to drift in the water and put the climb behind me. Then by passing the last corner I found myself in the present of water and the desire to get in the water overflowed every thought about the way up.
Now our guide had asked if there where any Finnish or Swedish people in our group, when we answered with a no he replayed that here then was not a big risk that anybody would jump in the water in the first 5 minutes. I felt inclined to inform him that I love cold water and was defiantly would get in very fast. The moment we arrived I changed my clothes, gorged down half my sandwich, and went into the water. It was cold. It was very cold when this rock I stood on shifted making me crash into the water face first. It took a while but then others of our group followed, not all I'd say about 5 maybe 6 people dared. Swimming and sitting under the waterfall made all the stress reside from my corporeal form. When I got out of the water a good half an hour later our guide said it was best if I dried and dressed quickly there wasn't much time for our group staying if we wanted to back in time. Going through the motions as fast as I did I can not truthfully say I have not flashed certain parts of myself unintentionally, nobody complaint so whatever.
The way down was indeed a lot easier than the way up, for the simple reason we did not complety took the same trail what made it unfathomanable easier than it already would have bin for me.

second round.

Starting on Saturday 28th of August, I woke reasonably conscious, and after a good breakfast I was in a good enough state to start to make plans for the rest of the vacation and to hear all the things my friend had already planned while I was 'out'. It was the first time I got a hint of the fat that me and my friend do not have the same vocabulary, where I meant the one thing when I said something my friend meant something else and because of those misunderstandings we ended up getting into several arguments.
We spent the day doing what I consider nothing, we swam in the swimmming pool located on the roof of the building, hanged about town, made photo's, visit a museum, bought cards intended to sent home, talked and in the end of the day we spend some quality time hanging abut in a good restaurant. My craving for pasta (mostly caused by all the pizza's I saw going about) let us to a place called Bella Italia and as always the second I saw the word Lasagna on the menu my mind was set. My friend also didn't take long to decide but to be honest that rarely happens, what on his own can be extremely tiresome. After dinner we went back to our hotel where we told the receptionist the name of the restaurant and the exact location. She had namely told us it was located on the corner but the truth was it was located in a small ally up one flight of stairs and then towards the corner of the building. She was really happy we had told her that so that next time somebody asked about a good Italian close by she could tell. back in our room I tried to make a dent in my book but as always on holidays the second my head touched the pillow I slept till morning.

Back to start

After a nice holiday that went from open hearted conversations to wholehearted confrontations, I'm back home getting so fast back in my daily routine I had almost forgot about posting in my blog. As it was indeed a nice time I will put a recap here.
Starting at packing day; Thursday 26Th.
I woke up at approximately 5 in the morning and try as I might I was unable to fall asleep again, not that that in any way concerned me I just figured I'd sleep in the afternoon. Not. The whole day was about figuring out what to take along, buying the last supplies (mostly batteries for my camera & condoms just in case), washing the final pieces of clothing that where to go in my suitcase and last but not least packing my suitcase. In the end I did not in any way get some sleep. Because by the time I was done it was already 1 o'clock Friday morning, and my friend was only about an hour away of picking me up for the airport.
I decided to get some sleep in the plane. Not. I was sitting in the aisle part and the people next to me snored so loud I could not sleep. So next I decided that the moment we landed I'd take a nap in the hotel before doing anything else. Than we got a major turbulence so our plane had the try and landed twice in Terceira, where we got delayed by almost 2 hours. By the time we left flown and landed at Sao Miguel, I knew that the second I touched my bed I would not wake up till morning. So when we arrived in our hotel room I dropped my bag and decided to go around town to find several things (water, Tourist info and some restaurants for diner).
After the info meet, some light shoping and eating at a great restaurant, I ended up in a bed around 11 Açores time what was a nice 42/44 hours after I woke up.

holiday update.

Finished the first 2 days of our holiday.
First I couldn't properly sleep the night before we left so I was sleepy, than our plane got delayed because of bad weather and now I have medium sunburn because of the sun being too shining. And even with all this whining I can honestly say I'm having the best of times.

new camera.

As an invest in my Holiday and my future work I've gotten a new digital camera. Still need to figure out wow everything works but hey There are still 24 hours before I have to leave.
Going to use this camera to get some exposure, making sharp images from my drawings to place them on sites. Short stops from my writing, I got some fun ideas.

getting worked up.

Once again I have come down with a cold after having a cavity filled by the dentist. At first I believed the anaesthetics where at fault but that is an improbability as this time I didn't get any (free choice). Combined with Paypal acting up again you could say my holiday preparations are running a little slow. Hopefully my cold will be over at the end of the weekend, and now that all payments are done Paypal will act properly again. At moments like this I really hate that the entire world is run by banks. It just feels like instead of using your own money, they make you feel like you're using there's and you should be all "Thank you Oh mighty Financial Industry". I'm not into that kind of worshipping. Oh well, I've got better things to worry about. ;}

Just today

Trying to learn Portuguese for a holiday, learning how to make pixel art, resizing all my picture so I can put them in the art section, deciding how to call my Deviantart account, finding time to play with photobucket, reading pockets, buying books, trying to put nicer things in my blog, feeding and playing with all my knuffels/pets/fish, working on a diagram containing the links between all my story's, ignoring my ex whom after a year still doesn't understand that it's really over and trying to stay in practically sane all the way through.

Arts exposure

Ever since I was a kid, I made up story's.
I was at a constant attempt to captures my fantasies into reality, by drawing, painting, telling, photographing and finally writing. By the time I was five years old I had already determined the three major goals of my life; 1.Visit every continent (and as many country's) in the world, 2. Have as many children as God/ nature (choose your favorite) will let me have, and 3. Get as much of my work shown to the general public and hopefully make a reasonable living out of it.
Soon enough I found out there were several problems that could thwart my plans. To put them in no specific order, my mother, I'm shy, and I don't like it if people tell me what to do.
trust me just one of those is a fantastic way not to succeed in even one of the areas of my desire. When I was younger I didn't really see much of a problem, I just simply thought my mom would soon enough realise my ability to think for myself, I'd eventually grow out of my shyness, and once people saw my talent they would respect me and let me do as I please. Can't really blame that state of mind, I was five and still believed in Dragons and Knights.
Now after several years I've come down to realise my mom will never change, strange people still scare the sh*t out of me and (most) people who are supposed to help expose new talent are only interested in the paycheck at the end of the month.
All of this let to many devastating let downs throughout the years, and I no more than a hundred times tried to give up only to find myself working on something in the middle of the night or telling a story to myself, a friend and even random strangers in the street(doing that during street fairs while dressed as a druid makes some bucks too). But I'm about as far away of making a living out of it as I was when I was five, (not when I was about ten, I sold two paintings during a generosity fair at my school, sang at a choir and even had people interested in my writing publishing wise) no nowadays it's all

'well it's not that we aren't interested in your work it's just that in the economy of the moment you are not compatible with the image that arises in ones mind when reading/viewing this. If you were just...well I don't want to be insulting, but you could always become a ghostwriter/ unnamed illustrator.
That way we can generate an audience that's accustomed to your style.

How is that not insulting, I was already a depressed teenager and this just completely destroyed what little self-esteem I had left from my childhood. My mind started to unravel till I no longer wanted to distinguish reality from my story's, they were just much saver. No matter how many times I'd die I'd always wake up the next day, unlike reality that seemed determined to devour me in small little bites.
But now I've regained enough of my self-esteem back to dare to stick my head out of the field again. I'm in the process of making a Deviantart account, where I will place my photo's, my drawings, my sculptures, poets, short story's, long story's and pretty much anything else I can make up to put out into the world.
Wish me luck.<3

getting my bearings straight.

for the past week or so I have bin seriously rethinking my life, my decisions and the things I just didn't do.
For most people it probably looked as if I wasn't doing anything at all, what just simply isn't true.
I'm just one of those people that goes on and on about something inside there head and doesn't utter a word or even the hint of an word till I have every angle figured out. But when I am done pondering I do have the tendency to take immediate action. What for the people in my direct surrounding after all these years shouldn't be a shock any more.
Like 7 years ago, I finally booked that trip to Los Angeles I wanted to take. I had bin planning the trip in my head for nearly 2 years, yet the time between informing the people around me and my plane leaving were on the spot of 3days and 12hours. My mother especially did not like me very much, yet even she had to agree that if there had bin more time she'd had seriously would have attempted to talk it out of my head. It was only because I'd already paid and no refunds where possible she'd decided to let me go. I thought it was a sign that she trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, the truth was that less than a day after my plane left she went to Court and filled 'parental guidance' over me saying that my impulsive behavior was preventing me from getting the mental treatment I clearly needed.
So after coming back what was (and still is) the best trip of my life, nobody said anything to me, everybody said they were gonna wait till the pictures had gotten developed before they were gonna listen to my story's. The only person who even hinted that not everything was as it seemed was my sister, but she's a bitch so I paid her no heed. No after being back for nearly a month I found myself on the receiving end of an official letter stating that all physical and mental health decisions would be made by my mother, indefinitely or till she sees fit to hand over control. Since that day I have bin desperately trying to get control back over my life, but I cant do it bombastically for it will only proof her right. At first I just thought that I'd indulge my mother by visiting some psychiatric and doctors, trying to proof that I'm not nuts just very creative. After one year I was labelled schizophrenic (They say I hear voices, I say they are the story's I'm working on), oppositional rebellious syndrome(I don't like it when I get told what to do), bi-polar(wouldn't you be) and several other tags.
You can understand that since that day I have bin very weary of making life-altering decisions, as my mother can make a stop to pretty much anything.

What to do, what to do.

Changed several of my settings today, now I can only hope that it's gonna look like I was hoping.
I'm such a horrid digi-byte, it's a miracle I haven't crashed the site yet.

Now there is only so much to do:

• See if I can device this blog into sections.

found out how to make new pages. those I'm gonna use to put in the information that I wish to keep together. Like Con info or even my story's.

• Place my photo's video's and images into a nicely order.
• Figure out how too place my story's into this setting
• Let my friends know where to find me.

A new beginning at the end of a long road.

Today I have finally decided to get myself a blog.
In this blog I'll keep track of the things that are currently of influence on my life and work as a writer. Also I wish to use this place as a collection spot of pictures, images and video's that hold my interest. My I find this a nice place to hang out more often.

(18-07)

After watching severall tutorials. And going over every button in the template and design menu's, I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm finally making this Blog more and more my own.


It's not completly to my wishes yet but it is getting there.


Let's see if I can add an image.